The Midnight News 07.15.02
Posted By Hyatte on 07.15.02
X9, Who's Replacing Russo?, Lawler, Alexa Ranks the Sites, Someone Gets Online Oral, A Mini-AAT on Nash, Buff Loves Teenage Cybersex (Yeah baby!), Billy Gunn's Dark Secret, Hollywood Juice, Smokers, Flea, and Tom Zenk
Aren't there janitors at McDonald's?
John D'arcy
Wiseass.
Wow! What an impressive article I must say. You managed to call Bret Hart a half assed wrestler. Bret Hart, headliner of show upon show, wearer of title after title, and true legend to the sport, a half assed wrestler?? Simply amazing. Whats not so amazing however is that even with half the use of his extremities Bret could probably still flip you over a knee and spank you stupid. So go back to Micky D's and start moppin holmes...earn that extra $6.75 an hour and go buy yourself some Wrestlemania's so you can see why Bret has the respect of fans (IQ above 30) and peers alike. If Bret is a half assed wrestler, than you my friend are a full blown asshole.
*measuers the size of Hyatte's testicles and awaits the no response on the site*
ManinBlack78.
Will? Tommy Lee? JOHNNY CASH??
I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. You might have missed this, but I had to pull a piece last week because... heh... stupid ass me accidentally revealed the true name of my "source". Classic F-up. The piece is back up, it's called George Clooney and the Assman... with everything fixed.
The funny part is, my source got a few letters from people about the F-up... all within a couple of hours after I posted it... all of which were from slashwrestling writers and frequent visitors... including the owner himself. Nice to see they all wait in line for ME.
We've got shit and lots of it... so let's do some pinching.
WRESTLEMANIA X 9???
Strong rumor has it that on August 12, the WWE will announce that the next Wrestlemania will take place in Seattle, WA at the Safeco Field. The Seattle Times's headline screamed WRESTLEMANIA IN SEATTLE? GET THE F OUT!!
Of course, much like Ken Griffey Jr, Randy Johnson, and Kurt Cobain.... Vince and co. may decide that anywhere else is preferable.
Kevin Nash is reportedly very excited about this prospect. He already announced plans on getting injured just in time to spend WM weekend at Seattle's many fine strip clubs in lieu of working and signing autographs.
Steve Austin is reportedly very--SHUT UP DEBRA, I’M COMMENTING--indifferent to the whole story
Chris Hyatte is reportedly very depressed over that joke (My God, I AM floundering)
WHY RUSSO LEFT THE WWE
The latest Torch Newsletter said that Vince interviewed none other than the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes for a writing spot in the company. No word as to whether Dusty accepted.
He did.
I have a friend on AIM that's part of the TCW promotion. He asked Dusty for me.
Of COURSE, it's legit. I was there when he asked... and Dusty's screen name is VERY apt for the kind of guy he is. Besides, who would go through so much hassle just to fool me about being a friend of Dusty Rhodes? It makes no sense.
The deal is, Dusty is now a "consultant" for the WWE. When Vince Russo heard this, he figured that he was no longer "next in line" to take over the entire WWE writing force and overhaul things. He figured Vince might go with Dusty... for the tradition and the experience. So, since Russo wasn't contractually obligated, he jumped to the NWA.
My Source (11:24:59 AM): so look I just had some net reporter ask me about the wwe thing - In your words "Yes I work with WWE" ....??????
Dusty Rhodes (11:22:32 AM): yes
My Source (11:22:38 AM): You work for WWE ?
Dusty Rhodes (11:23:12 AM): yes
In a related note, tomorrow's Raw will announce a major rule change. From now on, throwing a wrestler over the top rope will equal an instant DQ. Ric Flair is reportedly very pumped to win the undisputed title and spend a year getting his ass whipped for thirty minutes at a clip before getting himself DQed. WHOOOOOOOO
HOLDING COURT WITH THE KING
Jerry Lawler made some fan boys dream come true by showing up on the Chairshots radio show during this, maybe the strangest time in WWE history (or WWF history, for the matter). He didn't F**k around either, he talked about everything:
1) On that mixed tag match between Trish, Bradshaw, Jackie, and Nowinski:
It's one of those shows where what can go wrong did go wrong. It's just one of those things that happens now and then. I think I know the reasons most of those things happened and probably a lot of it could have been avoided. It was an ugly match and an ugly show. The ladies were literally crying their eyes out after the show, after the match. The agent in charge of the match was in fear for his job. It was just one of those things.
2) On Nash... Kevin Nash... (did I mention that he STILL rules? well, he DOES!)
J.R. and I watched the show, basically we're only ten feet away from the ring, we watch the show on television. We have to watch the monitors to be sure we're talking about what the fans can see. The camera was right on him when he made the step. It was very much the same thing that happened to Triple H. The muscle tears away from the bone. It can literally happen to anyone walking down the street.
The NWO hasn't turned out to be what they intended it to be. I don't know and I don't want to know, but they could add Triple H to the NWO. I think there are ways to do it, but I have no idea what they have in mind.
3) On Jackie Gaydar (who, strangely enough, its on nothing but gay guys):
I think they feel they need new faces on the shows. I personally don't think she was ready to be in that position yet. If you went over the match more beforehand would it have been better? Probably. But somebody that green you'd be better off having matches
that weren't live.
4) On why he loves young girls:
You have crawl before you walk and walk before you run.
5) Eww, perv. Anyway, on Jerry Jarrett and his NWA plans:
He wouldn't tip a canoe. You're a product of your environment. There was always a certain percentage of the house that you paid off on. In those days you had to run a territory certainly different than World Wrestling Entertainment is run. You couldn't sign anyone to a downside guarantee, which is how the WWE works now. Wrestlers know they're going to make money even if nobody goes to the matches. They have money coming from TV advertising, merchandising. When we ran our territory the absolute only way to make money was from wrestling tickets. In that respect, you had to pay a guy based on what he drew. The reason some guys didn't make any money is people didn't want to pay to see him. That's one of the biggest changes in the business.
He knows how to be frugal and not... that might be too strong a word. He's not going to spend himself out of business, if you know what I mean.
6) Vince Russo's return to WWE and NWATNA:
That was one of the biggest shocks I ever had in the business was Vince Russo returning to WWE. The guy had a lot of heat with people who were still there. Vince McMahon was obviously doing what he thinks was best for business. He's a bottom line guy and he'll do what he feels is best for World Wrestling Entertainment no matter who it ticks off.
I heard one story where Vince Russo buried himself by admitting he hadn't been watching the product. This is just a story I heard. Apparently there was a meeting and he was brought in to all of sudden handle the head writers job and he didn't even know the talent. Then he was relegated to a consultant job. I guess he really didn't want that.
I like the things that Vince Russo did in the WWF when he was there. Once he went to WCW I didn't see anything down there that he did that I was a fan of. I don't know that it was his idea, but he was running things at the time. I hated the things he did with Ed Ferrara making fun of J.R
7) On whether WWE staff are manning the lifeboats:
If anyone is panicking, they're doing a good job hiding it. Everyone has a workmanlike attitude and is doing their job. They may have miscalculated with the branding thing, but they're trying to work through it. They don't want to give up on it. They think they have enough talent to make two different brands work. There is without a doubt plenty of talent. I think what the miscalculation was he might not have enough talent that is over, that people will buy as real top draws, top caliber guys. That's always been Vince's big strongpoint, creating characters that people are interested in. I think it's taking him longer than he anticipated.
8) On Steve Austin:
I was shocked. Steve holding out didn't shock me. I think everyone knew Steve had been unhappy with the direction of his character for a while. Nobody really knows the whole story. I hate to hear that he and Debra are having problems. When you saw them
around the company, they looked fine.
9) On whether he'll be moving in on Debra:
Didn't I just say that you have crawl before you walk and walk before you run. Debra's pushing forty... she's running
STROKE FESTS AND WANNABES
I just would like to thank Ashish and Widro for never, and I mean NEVER celebrating a 411 anniversary. In fact, I'd like to thank EVERY web site that chooses to ignore their "birthdays"
People think *I* have an ego. Jesus Christ, at least I don't round up all my friends once a year and have stand in a circle and jerk off so I can bath in all their semen. What a frighteningly petty display. Oh look... I have decided to become the official records keeper of every wrestling TV show, so people 100 years from now can read... LOVE ME.
Grow up. It's the F-ing Net. It's F-ing wrestling.
Another thing... let me ask one question (and feel free to read as much into this as you want). If you write a column on a site that has me... and I think you are a rip-off... and the READERS think you are a rip-off.... and the site OWNERS think you are a rip-off... what does that make you? A true talent whose career was sabotaged by a jealous, paranoid Hyatte? Or does that make you a RIP-OFF?
And if you exchange friendly e-mails with me, showing NONE of the resentment you feel... does that make you a PUSSY?
Ain't my fault no one cared... ain't my fault you never had the touch, super or otherwise.
Now, watch THIS hypocritical display...
THE SAD TRUTH ABOUT WRESTLING SITES
Expecting another bitchfest? Nope. This is actually awesome stuff. Hey, if Zimmerman can throw a birthday orgy, who says we here at 411 can't crow a little?
Someone went to alexa.com, which is all about ranking and reviewing web sites, and came back with this.
Now, alexa doesn't isolate, so what you see are where these sites rank among the MILLIONS AND MILLIONS (maybe even bil... err, BILLIONS) of web sites on the Internet. This is dealing with visits, hits, impressions, whatever the terminology is.
Oh, and you need to download the alexa toolbar to get all this, but it's free.
Naturally, wwe.com is the #1.... they're ranked as the 1'929 most popular site.
Whoever was lucky enough to grab the www.prowrestling.com address is rewarded by being the 6'296 most visited site.
1wrestling.com: is ranked #8,555. Frickin' Scherer.
wrestlingdotcom.com ranked #11,623 I hear they have a lot of porn stuff in there.
rajahwwf.com ranked #13,355.
411wrestling.com we are ranked #13,865... just behind rajah. ALL BECAUSE OF ME!!! HYATTE BRINGS THE HEAT!!! HYATTE IS GOD!!!!
liveaudiowrestling.com/Wrestling Observer ranked #19,459... 411 is KICKING MELTZER'S ASS!!!!!! HYATTE IS KICKING MELTZER'S ASS
pwtorch.com is ranked #26,268: KELLER'S GETTING HIS ASS KICKED!!!!! KELLER SUCKS!! HYATTE OWNS BRUCE MITCHELL This means that all those message boards that worship Meltz and Wade are really reading more Ryder and Hyatte. LOSERS!!!!
4w-wrestling.com is ranked #32,753. Who?
lordsofpain.net is ranked #35,427. That sounds about right
nwatna.com is ranked # 81,640. It's a young site.
onlineonslaught.com is ranked # 84,610. Or, poor Rick. I TOLD you he sucks. Used to be, he was the MAN... times change, loser.
slashwrestling.com is ranked #96,656.. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CRZ!!! HAW!
And finally, wanna know why Scooter Keith REALLY hooked up with us?
thesmarks.com ranked #125,754. Wow, you mean the "Scooter Posts His Grocery List" approach ISN'T bringing them in droves?
Now this is my REAL anniversary gift to the hippie... he gets to do some private gloating.
No word on where www.seanshannon.org is ranked.
Good job to Ashish and Widro and all the writers. I am just a fairly large spoke on the wheel here. A lot of good writers are helping get it done. I like our group as a whole.
Who says web feuds don't equal hits? THE FACTS SAY DIFFERENT!!!!
THE LAST NASH FAN SPEAKS OUT
How about a mini-And Another Thing here...
From a chat session from a year ago, on his own site:
Josh: so nash when its closing time, do they usually toss you out, or do you stumble out?
BigSexy: i never stumble
Hey Hyatte, how funny is it that out of the three, Hulk Hogan was the one who lasted?the longest
Random AIM chatter.
My favorite part was when he screamed.
Two steps, 13 seconds of ring action, then he grabbed his leg and crumpled. He screamed, "AHHHHHHRGH"
Oh, no Trip H here... what Nash did was basically shout, "F*CK KAYFABE!!! F*CK THE MATCH!!!! A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!!"
I tell ya, I'm still laughing--hard--when I think about it.
But of course, all hell broke loose. Rather than post some message boards comments, I'll let Mike do the talking. He was so mad at this, he wrote this to ME...
Dear Mr. Nash, Nice of you to get in shape for the match, you stupid, lazy, roid driven, pancake eatin, donut gorging, vanilla midget hating, drunk friend leavin, get lap dances with Bischoff leaching, ride the coattails of useful wrestlers, eventually banging Stephanie scheming loser!!!! I’m sure all that hard work in the gym led you to be in such great shape, and in such a short period of time. Who’s your pharmacist/ trainer, the same guy that “trains” Triple H? On top of all of that, you’re a pussy! Triple H finished the match, walked around the ring, hopped on one leg, got put in the Walls of Jericho on the announcers table, and what did you do? You laid in the ring in the fetal position. Nice punch to Booker T, as well, I might add. You suck ass. You’ve always sucked ass. You sucked as Vinny Vegas, you sucked as Diesel, you sucked as a body guard, you sucked as Hogan’s buttboy in WCW, you suck dick for beer money. Don’t forget to sit on your ass for the next 6 months, collect that insane paycheck that Vince is paying you, shovel food into your mouth until you become the size of a small zeppelin again, grow a full beard down to your chest to hide your four chins so that you’ll look like a fat Cousin IT, whine that you’re not a main eventer, “train” at your pharmacist for a month, and then rupture your spleen while putting on the headphones at the announcer’s tables. Die!!!! That’s is your new gimmick. Now weighing in at a svelte 650 lbs.Cousin IT!!!!!
Big Daddy Bitch, indeed
Across the net, many columnists (and it may look like I'm singling out Scooter, but I'm really not) screamed "KARMA!! IT'S ALL KARMA!!"
F-you. F-you and F-Karma. Idiots. What an abuse of the term.
What did Nash do that has earned him such contempt? Well, he's no luchador. He has a set list of moves, and a small set at that. And of course, the biggest thing, he stirs up the locker room and uses political power like Scaia's boyfriend uses astroglide. (frequently and with great relish)
Oh, and he pinned Goldberg, killed his streak, and booked himself a WCW title run.
Yeah, like THAT was why WCW fell.
How about the fact that Nash actually takes pride in helping get mid-carders over? How about all the work he did making the Natural Born Thrillers an actual force... with heat and EVERYTHING? The late Louis Spicolli was on his way up thanks to Nash's rub. Disco Inferno too. He worked a program... TWO in fact, against Rey Mysterio Jr... and SOLD for the little pecker. Oh, right... he didn't lay down for Rey... yeah, get it in your heads, people... IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!
How about the fact that Nash... Mr. "Pin ME?? Yeah Right!" and Hall and X-Pac all agreed to put over Ric Flair, Kevin Green and Roddy Piper in one giant shot at a WCW PPV... when the NWO and the Outsiders were at their PEAK. Other than Flair, neither other guy deserved the rub... Green was a novelty act and Piper behaved like a shmuck... but the Outsiders put them over.
How about the fact that WHENEVER he gets on the mic, there's the possibility that he's going to say something entertaining... something "shootish"? How about the fact that he can blur the lines between reality and kayfabe better than ANYONE? Remember how he made that real cool promo about how wrestlers don't have unions, or get taxes taken out, or have benefits, a pension plan, or even get social security taken out? It's all up to THEM.
How about the fact that even though Nash was set for LIFE before his (second) first year in WCW, he still endured quite a few injuries.... and went through more than a couple knee operations. He didn't have to. He could have retired long ago. Now, he has a dozen operations, on just his KNEES, behind him. How many of you have even seen a Doctor twelve times? Eric S has the best story about seeing Nash walk around when he thought no one was looking... the sad way a young guy like Kevin lurched about on those things. He's told it before, maybe he'll tell it again.
Goldberg.... you know what, if Nash didn't pin him... Hogan would have. Which do YOU prefer? The streak would HAVE to end eventually. And don't you think that even by THEN, Goldberg was arrogant enough to demand the right to pick the guy to end his streak? He agreed to Nash's win... and it wasn't a clean win either, Hall had to "shock" Goldberg. Get over it.
Look... you douchebags... the guy is a monster, but he's a smart monster. He's charismatic enough to stir the pot, articulate enough to be a sly threat on the mic, and experienced enough to know how to abuse a system that does NOTHING BUT ABUSE WRESTLERS.
Nash isn't a luchador, no... he isn't Benoit either. But he is a guy with the 80's style and the 90's mouth. Imbeciles gripe about workrate... but workrate alone does NOT sell tickets. Sorry... hate to tell ya... it takes more to get over... a lot more.
I know he likes to cause trouble. Hell, Meltzer just noted that already, the Clique is trying to commandeer the locker room. Poor X-Pac, who spent the last 4 years quietly biding his time, is suddenly being a baby again. He's a handful... and he helps cause locker room turmoil. But this doesn't affect YOU... or ME... we are just spectators... we have NO stake in this, whether locker room moral is up or down... WHO CARES... you just want Benoit to kill himself until he breaks down and leaves for another year... that's all you care about, really. And that's cool. And bitching about Nash and Hogan and all that is cool. I can't stop it. I know what I like.
For me, it takes a sense of humor... and the ability to have a good time on TV that puts a smile on people's face. Even if Nash never works a match again, you all may cheer, but so long as he speaks... I'll be happy.
From the same chat on his site, over a year ago:
mewtzyrconn: nash are u rich?
BigSexy: rich in wisdom
From 1bob:
It’s a long road back; I know that. But I am not a quitter. No way am I retiring. That was not my last match. Anyone who thinks I'm gonna call it quits after this doesn’t know me. I’ve got way too much more s --- to stir in that locker room and way too many young kids to hold down.
God Bless the No Selling Bastard
TOO MUCH FREE TIME
Jon was bored one day... so he decided to fart around with my name. The results are kind of neat.... to me, at least.
Okay, so I caught up on the Midnight News (average for you, still better than most everyone else) and after that I started doing that lame-ass high school thing of rearranging letters in people's names and eventually, having just read you, your name made it on the list and here's what I came up with... since I was bored, YOU get to be bored by it as well! hahahaha! feel the boredom! live it!! rub it on your nipples!!
Chris Hyatte:
itchy hearts (lame)
chase thirty (lame)
she rat itchy (fair)
reach shitty (not bad)
yer chat shit (not bad)
trashy ethic (I like!)
The Racy Shit (sweeeet)
Too bad your middle name doesn't start with a U.. could have had It Hurt Chasey... now
THAT woulda been sweet. Damn I need a life.
GAY, THAT'S RIGHT, GAY CYBERSEX WITH BUFF BAGWELL
Deep Throat Tony alerted me to this.
There is a site, one of millions, that serves no purpose other than to F**k around with goofy shit (and bloody well thank GOD, for those sites).
Well, this one has one cool gimmick... there is a section where I GUY poses as a TEENAGE GIRL to get horny old men to go for some cyberpoon.
One of them is Buff Bagwell.
WELL, no, not REALLY... he admits that he ISN'T Bagwell.... but it's fun to pretend. Read this... it's a riot.
Buff Bagwell is a terrible, oiled-up prettyboy professional wrestler. Quite an alias to adopt when chatting up girls on the Internet. Wrestling fans are always fun to mess with because the odds are good that they've never seen a boobie in real life and are very pleased to have any social interaction with a "girl." Together, we have the best Wrestlemania ever.
buffbagwell99_2000:: hi a/s/l
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wow! Are you the famous wrestler?
buffbagwell99_2000:: yup
buffbagwell99_2000:: not really
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So wrestle for me!
buffbagwell99_2000:: i got my friend in a head lock
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I want you to wrestle me!
buffbagwell99_2000:: im not the real Buff. im just buff( strong)
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Prove it! Wrestle me!
buffbagwell99_2000:: ill only f*ck u
buffbagwell99_2000:: ur pic is hot
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You have a foul mouth! I only like wrestling boys!
buffbagwell99_2000:: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So let's cyber wrestle!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay, ring the bell!
buffbagwell99_2000:: ding ding ding
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay! We climb in the ring!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I punch you in the face!
buffbagwell99_2000:: k this is stupid
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I am getting very turned on!
buffbagwell99_2000:: i grab your arm and put u in a hammerlock
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, yeah!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:I reverse the hammerlock and give you a bodyslam in the middle of the ring!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, keep going! I am getting so horny! We will f*ck soon!
buffbagwell99_2000:: i instantly get up and grab u by the neck and slam u down
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I get a bottle of lighter fluid and set the chair on fire!
buffbagwell99_2000:: o shit
buffbagwell99_2000:: that is painful
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Painfully sexy!
buffbagwell99_2000:: ohh yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am having an orgasm as I take a razor blade and cut your forehead
buffbagwell99_2000:: all i see is crimsom red
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:Great!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: More!
buffbagwell99_2000:: it is all over the place
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:Wonderful! The smell of burning flesh fills my nose!
buffbagwell99_2000:: ohh im gettin horney
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Great! I drag you to the top of the cage!
buffbagwell99_2000:: as blood is all over it
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yeah! Then I tuck your head between my thighs (it is going to get SEXXXY here!)
buffbagwell99_2000:: oh HELL Yeah
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I grind your head between my soft white thighs!
buffbagwell99_2000:: im startin to get hungry
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good, because you're about to eat something hot!
buffbagwell99_2000:: Just to let u know i am THE AMERICAN BAD ASS
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Right! Bad Ass!
buffbagwell99_2000:: i want to tap ur bad ass
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay! Just a second!
buffbagwell99_2000:: k
buffbagwell99_2000:: the pain makes my dick throb for somethin to eat
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:Yeah, but wait - the SEXY PART is coming soon!
buffbagwell99_2000:: k cool
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:As you lay on the ground, paralyzed for life, your neck broken and blood pouring out of your ears, the damage starts to affect your brain.
buffbagwell99_2000:: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Here comes the sexy part!
buffbagwell99_2000:: r u typing??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hold on!
buffbagwell99_2000:: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r:You die. As you die, your penis hardens and shoots a thin coil of sperm through a rip in my wrestling tights. It trickles into my vagina!
buffbagwell99_2000:: oh BABY!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't get pregnant, though, because I'm on the pill. You die. I win the match! Hooray! I am the champion!
buffbagwell99_2000::ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, don't talk - you're dead.
buffbagwell99_2000:: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Bye bye!
Too much. Amazing.
This is why you should never, EVER have cybersex.... kids... just say NO!!
Ooo, what I would GIVE to see a transcript of someone like Scooter or SCAIA... doing this shit. Ooo, what a lot of people would give to see any transcripts of ME doing this shit.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND
Well, I DO. Once again, NO one named "Ryder" had the number one movie.
1) Men In Black II: 25 million dollars over the weekend. It's packed in more screens than anyone else and at 88 minutes, it can be shown more times in a day. It's what us Hollywood Insiders (well, my friend Matt) calls "padding" (well, he never called it THAT phrase, but didn't laugh at me when I used the word)
2) Road To Perdition: 22.2 mil. This will be around come Oscar time. It's a keeper. I saw it.... it is amazing work. The Tom Hanks Machine rocks on.
3) Reign Of Fire: 16 million. Decent reviews, but it's a bomb. The Matt McConnaughy Machine is officially out of oil, and gas, and charm. Anyone remember when he was supposed to be a HUGE star?
4) Halloween 5: 12.8 million. Respectable since it was so cheap to make. But come on, there was no need for this film. Now, I guess Hollywood studios will start thinking that if the Rock plugs the film, while speaking "hip", it'll bring people to the box!
5) Mr Deeds: 11 mil. It'll hit 100 million before it's all done.
And the Crocodile Hunter made a quick 10 mil. I'm sure no one expected anything more.
Do any of you care? I make this nice and quick if you don't... easy to scroll right by.
GEORGE CLOONEY AND THE ASSMAN
In my ENDLESS crusade to bring you the goddam best entertainment I can, I give you THIS... The name is changed (God, I hope). It's all real.
Hyatte1com: First off, you're a reader of mine, right?
Deep Throat Tony: yes
Hyatte1com: and you work for a credit card company?
Deep Throat Tony: yes
Hyatte1com: what do you do for the credit card company?
Deep Throat Tony: Fraud analyst
Hyatte1com: meaning?
Deep Throat Tony: Calls come in, I determine if the account activity, or the account itself, is valid
Hyatte1com: and sometimes, you personally call people to personally verify that they made such and such purchase of such and such dollars on such and such time?
Deep Throat Tony: Yes, I do
Hyatte1com: so, you and your co-workers personally talked to celebrities
Deep Throat Tony: We do
Hyatte1com: and you know what funny things they buy with their credit card
Deep Throat Tony: We know everything they buy
Hyatte1com: and you spoke to a WWE wrestler?
Deep Throat Tony: Yes
Hyatte1com: who?
Deep Throat Tony: Billy Gunn
Hyatte1com: Bad Ass Billy Gunn. And what did Billy Gunn purchase?
Deep Throat Tony: Health club memberships and "hair treatments"
Hyatte1com: Hair treatments? What kind of hair treatments?
Deep Throat Tony: I'm guessing plugs
Hyatte1com: How much?
Deep Throat Tony: Over two thousand dollars, that flagged the system
Hyatte1com: in one shot?
Deep Throat Tony:yes
Hyatte1com: one blanket purchase of over $2000 in "hair treatment"?
Deep Throat Tony: yes. He's an arrogant tool.
Hyatte1com: what makes you say that?
Deep Throat Tony:He was snotty. "How dare you question my charges?" Well, sparky, according to the cardmember agreement, we have the right to. I said that, except the sparky part
Hyatte1com: so he was embarrassed and defensive
Deep Throat Tony: Yes.
Hyatte1com: when was this, anyway?
Deep Throat Tony:About a year and a half ago
Deep Throat Tony:Right before he came back to the WWE
Hyatte1com: okay, what other famous person have you or your co-workers talked to?
Deep Throat Tony:I've talked to one of the Bee Gees, actually talked guitars with him for a while...CNN reporter called me a prick...George Clooney's called in too
Hyatte1com: Which CNN reporter called you a "prick" and why?
Deep Throat Tony: Elsa Klensch, style reporter. Lost her card and wanted a new card the next day. Small problem, she called on a Sunday. She had to wait until Tuesday and went off on me. Like I control Fed Ex
Hyatte1com: Did you talk to George Clooney?
Deep Throat Tony:No, but the girl two cubes down did. Porn and hooker charges, hitting on the rep...
Hyatte1com: Hooker charges? How do Hookers accept credit cards?
Deep Throat Tony:"Escort services"
Hyatte1com: wow... how much porn and babes did Clooney get?
Deep Throat Tony:Couple of grand worth
Hyatte1com: in one shot?
Deep Throat Tony:Here and there. "escorts" charge a lot
Hyatte1com: how was Clooney over the phone? Was he embarrassed too?
Deep Throat Tony:Not at all. He was relaxed enough to flirt with the rep
Hyatte1com: really? How do you know?
Deep Throat Tony: She told me. It was cute, she was all flustered. Told her she had a cute voice, asked where her accent was from...
Hyatte1com: so he's a serious "player"... even off camera. Always turning on the charm
Deep Throat Tony: Exactly
Hyatte1com: last thing Tony, is this a scam, or are you telling the absolute truth?
Deep Throat Tony: the truth
Hyatte1com: swear to my audience
Deep Throat Tony: I swear
Hyatte1com: okay, thanks
Why would George Clooney even NEED an escort service?
My best answer... why NOT?
Gotta respect the fact that morning, noon, and night... no matter WHO he's speaking to, he's ALWAYS on the "mack"
Poor Billy.
Heh.
HOLLYWOOD AND WHINE
Hyatte is floundering so much to do anything worthwhile that he is posting sections of a website called "The A List" in his column
Same guy from above who's Scoops career I sabotaged... because I was too threatened by his scary talent.
The thing is, I have personally sent over 200 people to the site, whether by e-mail or on AIM. Which tells me that you folks LOVE this. Maybe if that bitchy little self-pitying F**K brain understood this simple concept, give them a reason to read and they'll come back. Then you won't have to resort to sucking CRZ off.
No, that can't be it. He just was unlucky enough to work with a bitter, paranoid prick like me. Yeah, that's it. Ask anyone at 411 what a self-involved asshole I am... totally impossible to get along with.
Here's the site, it rocks, and I suck for thinking you'd enjoy it. Got that? Good.
No penis sizes this time around, but I want to add a few star feuds instead. The guy even gives reasons WHY they are feuding (and by "feuding", I get the impression that he's using some broad terms... as little as an errant comment or two... not necessarily the kind of feuding douchebags like me do.). One "feud" is REALLY chilling, actually.
Willis, Bruce. His separation from Demi Moore was extremely bitter. Former bartender and reportedly a former male escort. Rumored to like boys, strippers, and group scenes. Generally vain & unpleasant person. Difficult to work with. Cheapskate. Linked with Lara Flynn Boyle, Milla Jovovich, Julia Roberts, Winona Ryder, and Liv Tyler.
West, Mae. Reported to be either a hermaphrodite or a very well-made up transvestite. (Hey, don't look at me like that, I'm not making this stuff up). Liked daily high colonics. Linked with Max Baer, Gary Cooper, Jack Dempsey, Duke Ellington, Cary Grant, Oscar Hammerstein, Harry Houdini, Jack Johnson, Joe Louis, David Niven, Anthony Quinn, George Raft, and Bugsy Siegel.
Reagan, Ronald. "I have never seen one man more pussy-whipped by his wife in my life." Absent-minded, evil-by-omission man. Betrayed his fellow Hollywood stars to red-baiters. Homophobe and racist. Rapist of Selene Walters during the 1950s. Symbol and figurehead of almost all that was wrong with the 1980s. Linked with Doris Day, Nancy Davis Reagan, and Jane Wyman.
Seymour, Stephanie. Had collagen injected into her lips; supposedly a recent plane ride made them explode. Linked with Warren Beatty, Steve Martin, and Axl Rose (who beat her).
Stern, Howard. Reportedly nice guy despite his asshole act and demeanor. Separated from his wife, in part because of his monomaniacal work habits and in part because of his affair with a stripper. Linked with Angie Everhart and Robin Givens
Thurman, Uma. Never graduated from high school. Cokehead and alcoholic. Has enjoyed the favors of a number of men--a large number. Recently nailed Mick Jagger. Linked with Nicholas Cage, John Cusack, Robert De Niro, Robert Downey Jr, Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke (whose baby she bore), Timothy Hutton, Don Johnson, Judd Nelson, Gary Oldman (failed marriage), Brad Pitt, Sam Shepard,and Donnie Wahlberg.
And, here are six big feuds between celebs... you'll note, most of them is all about the BOOTY.
Kurt Vonnegut vs Geraldo Rivera: Geraldo cheated on his wife, who was Vonnegut's daughter
John Travolta vs Kevin Costner: Costner had an affair with Travolta's wife
Britney Spears vs Sarah Jessica Parker: Parker wouldn't let Spears appear on Sex and the City, because Parker is jealous, insecure, and aging, and Spears is young and attractive
Sarah Jessica Parker vs Kim Cattrall vs Cynthia Nixon vs Kristen Davis: After six years nobody likes anybody on the set of Sex and the City
Winona Ryder vs Russell Crowe: He kept hitting on her, and she kept saying no. (Hyatte's note: The most shocking thing here is that Winona actually turned SOMEONE down!)
Wil Wheaton vs Brian Austin Green: Supposedly a very bad breakup (Hyatte's note: Brian Austin Green is GAY? DAVID IS A QUEEN? GET OUT!! HE WAS THE COOLEST!! Well, he DID bang Tiffanie Amber Thiessan, so that makes him bi.)
Finally, here's the creepiest feud of them all....
Chris Columbus vs Michael Jackson: Columbus warned MJ to stay away from Daniel Radcliffe, of the Harry Potter films.
Eww... God Bless Chris Columbus... what would Michael do to that poor lad?
As always, like the man says: "Believe what you want, toss away the rest" This is just rumors and hearsay... but the man DOES pick some winners, most recently, you'll see that he had commented on Mike Piazza's sexual preference (Latin men) a long time before the rumors swept through New York.
Well, so far I've got Billy Gunn buying hair plugs (assumed, of course), so how about some gossip about some real live RASSLERS??
THE DEAD CAN RISE AGAIN!
Hey man, here's some wrestling gossip for you.
I was out getting tanked at this club called the Bulldog last night when Mark Henry, Chuck Palumbo, Rey Jr. and Rikishi showed up. The WWE was in town for a house show and they all showed up at about 1am. Rikishi was a total asshole, Mark Henry and Chuck Palumbo were actually really cool and Rey Jr. seemed pretty shy.
This is the real gossip though. Apparently there's a little Undertaker running around the area after the Dead Man stopped by a strip Joint named Pigale a few years ago. Mark Messier of the NYR apparently also fathered a bastard child. That's it, use it if you want.
Ben
Well, who knows? Really? Just all BS and speculation.
BUT... the boys ARE on the road quite a bit. Away from their loved once quite a bit.
And DAMMIT, there's only so much Patterson to go around!
THE GREAT WRESTLING SMOKE-OUT
This week, three big updates! You people are doing GANGBUSTERS with this!
Hyatte -- As I mentioned to you many years ago (in the Scoops era), I saw Ricky Morton chain smoking at a Mapco gas station in Nashville. He smoked one before entering the station to pay, after leaving the station, and then in his car as he drove away. He was driving a pretty beat up 70's era car
Swenocha
I don't know how the Sandman got overlooked in this whole "smoking" thing... but upon thinking about it, does he even qualify as a wrestler?
Deszaras
Good point. This last update is really, cool and funny.
Back in the early 80's, an Indy promotion came to my Central Massachusetts hometown with Larry Zybsko headlining. The card took place in the local town hall auditorium. Me and my buddy (both age 12 or so) snuck downstairs to function hall directly beneath the auditorium. This was the 'dressing room' for the night. We cracked open the door and saw (about 25 ft away) The Living Legend himself cuffing a smoke and reading the paper in his ring attire. He saw us and yelled "Get the hell out of here !!" in his meanest kayfabe voice. We stood for a second gigling and goofing around. He started to run at us with cig in mouth. We gave him the finger and blasted up the stairs.
Sumo
Now, see... Larry Z knows how to have FUN with the fans.
Ah, and Tom Daniels just announced in his column that he saw/heard that X-Pac likes to seduce the ladies with... a substance... white and powdery. Hey, I said it once, and I'll say it again.... whatever gets that boat in the water. Grab her head, shake it up and down... boom, she just said yes.
Or, maybe he likes to offer sugar to everyone's drink. Sugar has a good, nice kick. Everyone loves sugar.
In an UNRELATED story... Jimmy Snuka confessed to a coke habit. Just coincidence that these two stories would appear back to back... move along now, folks.
Keep it coming, people.
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Not sure if you noticed
Two of the most influential albums in the last fifty years, Rubber Soul by the Beatles and Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, have enriched countless peopleÆs lives and artistically, influenced a generation of musicians, basically showing how good Rock and Roll could be, if done right. Although the Beatles are more widely recognized, The Beach Boys, according to many critics, were actually a better band musically with their songs being timeless classics of a Summer that never ends
During the summertime, popular pastimes include long, lazy days at the beach with a cold drink and maybe a slice of pizza. Also enjoyable is an ice cream cone, the flavor of your choice, with the only requirement be that it is ALWAYS a double scoop
Scoopswrestling.com was, at one time, was both a very influential and enjoyable site, leading the charge by being one of the very few sites whose news was almost entirely written from the view of a FAN, instead of critical judgments that tended (and still do today, times ten) to permeate the Internet Wrestling Community. The man behind this point of view was the owner/operator of Scoopswrestling, the Man They Call Al, Al Isaacs
Al Isaacs was once the most popular whipping boy of the "Smart" crowd, who unjustly thumbed their noses while looking down upon him, as if their opinions somehow were more important or more influential than Al. Not to name any names, but many of these people are in even more powerful positions in the IWC, if such a thing even exists. It is nice to know that Al is back around and doing his news reports, as his opinions are just as, if not more, valuable to many, many readers on the net
And once again, not to mention any names, but many of the laughable, lambastic observers (if you wade through some other crap), can be found at the center of the Internet Wrestling Community - 1wrestling.com.
Owned by
BOB
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Flea, who actually wrote the best piece of that anniversary mess (and not because I was featured in it either, assholes)... whose wife wants to adopt me... so long as I stay no less than 500 feet away from her young daughter at all times. Flea also wants you to know that porn stud Peter North once painted a mural on his ceiling.... you wouldn't believe what he used for "paint".
BUT PLUGS
Pat Brower saw the mess his brother George made of last week's Velocity recap and screamed "ENOUGH" and pounded out a Velocity recap of his own.
PK saw the mess Pat's brother George made of last week's Velocity recap and screamed "ENOUGH" and pounded out a Confidential recap of his own.
Brad Jennette saw the mess Pat's brother George made of last week's Velocity recap and screamed "ENOUGH" and pounded out a Heat recap of his own.
Jim Vanderhorst saw the mess Pat's brother George made... oh. never mind. Vanderhorst Looks Ahead and what the future brings... silly boy thinks the WWE has hit rock bottom... boy, is HE in for a surprise
Daniels, as I reported, brings up X-Pac's love for "sugar"... he also talks about the last 7 days. Why? Because the column's called WEEK IN WRESTLING!! Doy!
Finally Ron Gamble talks conspiracy. The truth is out there, and it ain't laying down for no one EITHER!
Let's go home with a change of pace... and a visit from the perpetually spiteful...
'N ZENK
I still don't care much for Tom Zenk. He still comes across as a guy who's just too damn pissed that he never got any of the breaks. He's a failed wrestler, and it just ISN'T FAIR!!
But, what he says DOES make for good copy... plus he hates Vince... which should make a lot of YOU happy. This is his site.
Anyway, culled from two different columns, The Z-Man trashes the shit out of Triple H... so maybe he isn't THAT bad:
Cripple H has made his move for the top spot but can he put up numbers like Stone Cold?
He's got the daughter. He's got the writers. Rock is gone (remember his parting shot at Cripple H on ESPN). Taker is done. HHH has helped engineer Austin's exit. The way to the belt and the top has been cleared for Vince's son-in-law. But once he's there can he hold the spot?
Let's see if he can put up any numbers. I say no - not even with a strong undercard and good writers. This downturn isn't cyclical, says Vince. So everything good or bad rests on HHH and the McMahons. It's make or break time. And if WWE fails, you can be sure as hell the McMahons won't be taking the rap. It'll be all down to Trips. After that, Steph and Vince won't be wanting another loser in the family. And, sure as hell, they won't be wanting loser grandkids with Jimmy Durante snozzles.
Poor genetics and bad looks (HHH is a VERY ugly guy), with lifts in his black Frankenstein boots (black boots - that's old school- get it?) and the smallest calves I've seen in a man short of Tony Pearson - so why would Steph hook up with HHH on his rebound from the man-face Chyna? And since he's so anxious to deal himself into the McMahon empire, exactly what's taking Trips so long to make a baby? VKM was quoted as saying his only dream was to become a grandpa, by child birth than is. Maybe Steph doesn’t want to get pregnant. Or maybe Trips isn’t a man’s man like Austin (see below). Or just maybe Vince forgot to draw him a diagram, like he did for Shane. The truth is, Vince will never let HHH marry Stephanie. Remember Bad News: “Shane was fooling around with the Ultimate Warrior, Vince saw him and screamed at him to get away, saying "You're going to be the owner of this company one day, you have to remember that all wrestlers are assholes" I guess that makes HHH an asshole too! So why exactly would Vince want a roided up lame asshole for a son-in-law? The McMahon’s want to be blue blood… not blue collar. HHH is on his last leg. It’s “piss or get off the pot” time for the Game. If you can’t get the job done with Steph, I’ve got my hand up. Imagine what the kids would look like. The McMahon gene pool needs new blood and better calves. And I’d even let her back on TV. Vince and I are agreed, Stephanie needs a new man …. We’re giving Crips six months.
HHH promised he was gonna win at King of the Ring but come the night, Crips couldn’t deliver. He got beat by an older guy. So what went wrong for the Lame Game…..?
Whether from his own stupidity, poor judgment, ego, or under pressure from VKM, Trips came back too soon. Protecting one injury, (leg) while favoring it, he overcompensates to cover and guess what? HHH hurts something else! So now he’s got a damaged elbow!! Coming back from a torn quad HHH was half the man he used to be. Coming back from a damaged elbow he’ll be half of that again. Kinda scary, given he was never much in the first place.
So who really knows the extent of Crips’ new injury? And why it suddenly needs fixing? “I think anybody in our business that’s been doing this for a long time has chips in their elbows and different things like that. I’ve had them there for a long time. They bug me sometimes, sometimes they don’t.” (Interview with Triple H by Matt Duda, WWE.com).
Whatever….. it’s great timing!!! He's gonna lay out now for the next six weeks. So he misses one edition of Smackdown, but still cuts promos on TV each week, his leg gets a rest, easy money, no bumps and no responsibility for the sagging ratings...CLEVER! An angle taken from Nash’s play book……
Speaking of Big Lazy, Ross reports that “Nash returns Friday, July 12, in Lakeland, Fla. Michaels will be there as well, at ringside.” Could Crips be creating just a little distance to see whether Nash and the Kliq manage to get over the way Vince wants them over. If they do, he’ll be back with a roar like January. If they tank -(and, believe me, they will) - he’ll be back like the Fat Superman to save the company. I just hope Doctor Andrews gets it right with his elbow surgery- yes Doc, the patented Bionic Elbow implant!
Crips is sure gonna need it. When he finally comes back, he's gonna be under the gun with the spotlight, top spot, all to himself to produce and FINALLY prove his worth. You can only milk an injury so long - “I hate to make excuses, but I was working [King of the Ring] with an injury that made me really slow the pace of the match down. It just wasn’t what I wanted it to be. ….. I’m kind of down on that, kind of disappointed in myself. I wish I could have put on a better performance, but I’ve got to understand I was limited.” (Triple H to Matt Duda,WWE.com). Yeah, we understand...
Timing is everything. And it’s way past “shit or get off the pot” time for Triple H. Yet Crips is still stalling. Y’see “ I kind of don’t know what to expect from this surgery. It’s a minor surgery, but I don’t know how fast I’ll be able to snap back from it training-wise. I’ll do what I can and come back as quickly as I can and that’s all you can do.” (Triple H to Matt Duda,WWE.com)
Fact is, it's MINOR surgery. And surely, with all the work done on the WWE ballet crew, not to mention all the cash paid out, Dr Andrews owes Vince the truth about Superman's return to save MSG and WWE. Unless someone's keeping all their options open? Seems to me, HHH is treading water…. Time to bring out the stunt cock?
By the way, a belated welcome to the Internet Z-Man! How does it feel to be an outsider looking in... like everyone else? Once you join the Net, you can't go back.
And, I'm out. Flea will be doing this next week while I do the Mop-Up. Eric, Grut, and Ashish will shine the light (of TRUTH) until then. (and kudos to Eric for that meat story last week... I LOVE learning shit like that)
'Till then, Rome burns and I'll keep playing the fiddle. Because when you think about it, the WWE in trouble is MUCH more entertaining than when things are going great.
Trish Stratus finds me charming. She didn't really say as much, but I could tell. Deal with that, lamos.
This is Hyatte